Defying the Laws of Angle

First Impressions are the starting point of a relationship. Sometimes they mean nothing. Sometimes they mean everything. Personally, I always assume they'll be important, 'cus you never know which one it'll be.

And then there are the times that you know the introduction you are about to receive is important, as is this stranger's opinion of you that you will shape in the course of the next few minutes or hours.

One thing you should know to begin with: I am not normal. However, I am usually taken to be sweet and endearing. Kinda like a kitten whose head drifts to the side whenever it looks at you: off, but cute. So I wasn't worried when I met Daryn. Yes, I knew that Ryan was interested in him. Yes, this was hopefully going to be a chance to make a new friend who would probably be hanging out in the house I live in. Yes, there was some pressure for this particular first impression to go well.

But I am the sweet and innocuous Sam. What could go wrong?

Things went fine at the beginning. Daryn and I were introduced, we chatted with Ryan and each other, and the atmosphere began to relax. Then we started playing Dungeons and Dragons. Ryan was acting as Dungeon Master for a playtest campaign our friend Noelle and I were playing, and we were slotted to play that night. Unfortunately, Noelle had to cancel. Faced with the prospect of not playing again for an indeterminate amount of time, I decided to try to play all four of the characters.

This was it. I was in control of the entire party and I was not going to screw up. I would be careful. I would be intelligent. I would destroy all enemies that dared to assault me. I carefully reviewed the abilities of the characters under my control, particularly the two normally played by Noelle.

The scene began at the end of the previous encounter- the four adventurers had just ambushed a caravan of goods and killed all of its defenders. Now my party was charged with returning the stolen goods in the caravan to the good townspeople nearby. Too bad we'd destroyed the carts in the battle and couldn't move anything. The only option was for us to get the villagers to come help us schlep the stuff back. That's when Ryan told me that it was half an hour to nightfall. He suggested that I needed to make camp. Repeatedly.

But I assumed that the woods would be swarming with enemies who would be upset with me for killing their friends if they found my characters red-handed at the ambush site. However, if the four adventurers hiked until nightfall and found a new campground, they might have plausible deniability when asked "did you attack any mercenary caravans in the last day or so?"

This was my plan. The problem with plans is that they never turn out the way you expect. This is especially true with my plans. Add to my plan my inability to communicate effectively with Ryan and you have a chaotic mess on your hands. In short, I forgot to tell Ryan that I intended to camp at nightfall. My characters just kept walking. And walking. And continued walking, without rest, until they hit a bend in the road and met some thugs. And a mage captain. And a drake.

I could handle this. So there was a giant lizard ahead of me. That was fine. I had a warrior, a wizard, a BAMF thief and a cleric to heal them when they got gnawed on. I just needed to roll the dice high enough to actually hit things and it would all be fine.

To begin on a positive note, I decided to encourage my luck.

"You are a happy die! You want to roll high numbers! Come on!"

With great hope in my heart, I rolled the die.

It was a 1. My hopes shattered into a thousand pieces as I saw the long, slow road that is a D&D battle when no one can hit anything stretching out before me. My frustrations bubbling within me, my view toward my die rapidly changed.

"F--- YOU!"

Daryn laughed. Hard. Ryan laughed as well, but not nearly to the extent of the boy who had just seen the nice bubbly girl change into a crazed and angry harpy.

Gathering the tattered shreds of my dignity, I continued playing. That was when a thug hit my warrior. All was not lost. The warrior had the highest possible health of the four adventurers. He could handle a whack from a low-grade hooligan. I calmly went to calculate how much health he had lost.

And discovered that he was dead. In our haste at the end of the last D&D session, Noelle and I had not stopped to heal any of our characters. The warrior had started this encounter with a total of 2 hit points.

I frantically checked the health stats for my other characters. All were at less than half strength. This was going to be a massacre. Almost immediately, the enemy mage produced a whip of fire that eviscerated my cleric and thief from 40 feet away. My wizard valiantly tried to kill the dragon with a fireball, but another critical fail resulted in the explosive curving around the drake and flying into an abandoned house, setting the house on fire and destroying any treasure that might have been left inside.

"Stupid wizard! You violate the Laws of Angle!"

With two bites the drake ensured that no more fire-y doom would be coming its way. The cleric was revived for a brief, shining moment to slam the mage in the face with her mace before being run through by a mercenary from behind.

I looked down on the battlefield strewn with the corpses of my four characters, shoulders sagging. The game had been a complete disaster. Noelle was already bemoaning the deaths of her characters via text messages, and Ryan was expressing his astonishment that I had managed to cause such carnage in the course of twenty minutes.

Daryn was still laughing. At least I had made a new friend.